My Tisha B’Av Journey


When I mourn the Beis HaMikdash (The Temple), I find myself mourning my own losses. I know that our world is one big destruction since the churban (destruction of The Temple), and while I struggle to connect to the loss of the Beis HaMikdash, I appreciate the time when I can connect with my own pain. May Hashem rebuild our broken hearts, and heal our internal pain.

The loss – 

The loss happened over many years and many hours. 

It was stability mixed with instability; and emotionally crippled parents who mixed difficulty with support, peace and closeness.

The loss…

was in inappropriate accusations… 

was not being allowed to stand up for my own feelings… 

was in losing a childhood to fear that a child shouldn’t carry…

was in taking responsibility because that meant some stability…

was in parents who didn’t respect the boundaries that keep children safe…

The impact…

is that I will never have a happy childhood with wonderful parents…

is that I lost security, trust, stability, support…

is that I can hardly connect with my own feelings…

is that it’s really hard to trust others… 

is that I hardly can trust in myself and my ability to weather challenges…

is the lack of the normal blueprint of human relationships that allows a healthy give and take…

is the lack of my inherent value as a human being… 

is a mixture of sadness, anger, and guilt because my parents weren’t always bad…

In the sadness and grief…I only wish for…

the ability to feel fully once again…

to let go of the control that keeps me from feeling…

to experience a sense of stable worthiness in my life… 

to find internal peace strong enough to quiet the internal unrest…

to trust that others will hold me when I experience pain… 

to let go of the control that keeps me from feeling…

to see how strong I am, I can face my feelings… 

The results

I am so sad, I can only feel angry…

I seek to destroy myself and others…

I feel hopeless for a positive future…

I feel my emotions in a mumble jumble…

I have so absorbed the negative messages that I feel worthy of being destroyed… 

I feel like my real value is evil and I am the worst person around…

I struggle to let go of the fear that keeps me from feeling sad…

What can I do with this? 

Although I am angry, I seek not to destroy truly, because I know what it’s like to be destroyed…

I seek to be kinder, more compassionate, and caring to myself and to others…

I deserve to start with myself and to forgive myself…

I can stand up to the internal voices that say the worst about me… 

I can believe in my own goodness, strength, inherent value, beauty, and courage…

What is the unique purpose and meaning in my experiences?

Why…

did Hashem give me such a painful internal journey?

did Hashem give me a life where I feel like I lost my hope and my future salvation?

does my heart pulsate with such deep pain?

Possibly…

1. Hashem did it so I should be depressed forever. 

Probably not. I think Hashem wants me to serve Him with joy.

2. Hashem wanted to ruin my life and future.

Probably not either. He wants me to have a happy successful future. That’s why He gave me amazing support and ability to make great choices.

3. Hashem hates me.

Probably not either. Hashem loves me and means my best.

So what’s the point? 

Is the point…

that I should serve Hashem with joy despite my challenges? Could be…

that I can come out stronger and happier even with what I’ve been given Could be…

to give up a little and let Hashem run my world… likely

to get sechar (reward) for every amazing choice I make, for every positive thing I tell myself, for every positive connection I seek to nurture? Forsure 🙂 

On this Tisha B’Av, I want to unify as one team with all Jews… when I am so angry and sad about my own destruction, I start to feel the pain of others too… 

So what is the point? To let go and to let grow.
Thank you Hashem.

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