I Tried Reaching Out

I tried reaching out to you, my sister. Calling to see how you were feeling.  Just a simple call that most people don’t think twice about. But when I make that call, thinking about it twice is an understatement. It takes thinking, pushing myself, trying, and whatnot, to have the courage to press those buttons.

I tried once. There was no answer.

I sent a text a little later. There was no answer.

I tried to call the next day. There was no answer.

I send a text later that day. There was no answer.

Finally, you returned my call. The explanation was simple; you were busy, packing to go away for the weekend, and so we didn’t manage to connect. 

Me vs. You

To you, that is simple. But to me, it’s another incident. Another situation that caused me much pain and anguish. When I reach out to you, it takes tremendous effort and work. The depression in my heart says ‘Don’t Bother. Not Worth the Risk’. But then my brain tries to be rational. How can loneliness get helped, if I don’t reach out? And this time my brain won. But only to some extent. I reached out but didn’t get answered. I opened my heart which is so vulnerable, and it got a blow.

I know. The issue isn’t with you. People tend to get busy and return calls or texts a day or two later. The issue is me. The issue is my heart, my depression, and my pain. Because all this reaching out to others is too much for me. I am way too sensitive, lonely, and needy, to just handle not getting a response.

Can I Build Any Connecton?

I don’t let people realize the amount of maintenance it would take, to have a connection that doesn’t hurt me all the time. But I realize the amount. I know the searing pain of depression and loneliness. And then I wonder.  Maybe I was created different than most people. Maybe I am just not like most human beings. And I know the answer; that I am not like others.  My insides are different. My emotions are different. My heart is constructed of damaged muscle that just can’t get past its pain.

And so I question myself. Is there a place for someone like me in this cruel, dark world? Is it even possible for someone like me to have a life without too much pain? Is there an option for me to have one happy day? To just feel connected to other human beings? I don’t think so. The people of this world don’t talk and communicate my language. There is no friend to reach out to. Only a trained professional that has learned her trade and therefore knows the facts. Not another human being. Not a sister or a brother. Not a friend or a relative. My language cannot be understood by others. Is there someone out there that speaks my language? That understands my words? My pain and frustration?

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4 Comments on “I Tried Reaching Out

  1. Yes, I understand your language. Completely. It is mine as well.
    Feeling needy and being so afraid to reach out because I am high maintenance. I feel too burdensome even for my husband and so I turn to my therapist.. all the time. And I’m working on learning how to accept myself, my needs, even if it is different than others. There are times when I crawl into myself.. I just can’t reach out. I’ve called my therapist to her house.. desperate for understanding. I’ve run away, far away from the people who can love me because I am afraid they will leave me.
    You are not alone. I am just like you.

  2. I hear you loud and clear! I speak it, I live it, and I try to counteract it, sometimes more successfully than others. I’m here to support you from afar. Metaphorical hugs!! Reaching out to people while fearing rejection is terrifying!!! You are definitely not alone.

  3. When I saw the subject in the email from refuat hanefesh, I froze. It’s exactly how I’m feeling. I’ve been hearing those words in my head way too much. And then I read the article. Arghhhh it’s so frustrating! I really hear you!!!

  4. Your post is written so authentically…and so painfully. Know that you are not alone! We are rooting for you and there for you. All the time. I may not know you, but I know that you are a wonderful person gifted with much strengths. You make a difference in so many lives in your own way.
    Sending you virtual hugs…
    May you feel the inner peace of recovery very soon.

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