I wrote this after I had a miscarriage that triggered some strange mental health symptoms. I was having extreme fears and nightmares about the baby that I lost and couldn’t make peace with my incessant panic about what happened during the pregnancy and what it meant about the baby’s Neshama (Jewish soul).
I reached out for help from a few Jewish organizations that offer support to women who have experienced pregnancy loss, only to be told that they couldn’t help me because they couldn’t understand my thought process surrounding what happened. I felt very alone and embarrassed by my unusual worries. I felt like years of pain and loneliness that I experienced during bouts of mental health challenges were flooding back all at once, and I felt homesick for Hashem.
This song has three parts, each ending with a nuanced sentiment about wanting to return home to a place of peace and comfort:
The first verse implies praying for the strength to keep searching for that comfort on my own.
The second verse implies praying to be led home.
The third and final verse is an acknowledgment of defeat after exhausting all of my natural efforts, and a prayer that Hashem Himself should come get me and bring me home because I can’t get there on my own.
It was very healing to write and sing this song. It was a way to express pain and hope and prayer that words alone couldn’t convey.
Disclaimer: The following is a song which contains Kol Isha (a women’s voice). For those who do not listen to Kol Isha, the lyrics to the song can be found below.
Running round in circles in my mind tonight,
Searching in the darkness for the light,
Caught in these tunnels, wandering alone,
Praying I find my home.
All that I fear catches me here,
Darkness for miles and all around.
Day after day, can’t find my way,
Praying that soon I’ll be found.
Somewhere I believe there must be someone there,
Someone Who can listen to my prayer.
Searching and homesick, lost and alone,
Please won’t You take me home?