Empathy is a trait so many strive for but struggle to attain. It is simply not natural to feel what someone else is feeling. Nonetheless, reaching a level of feeling empathy can strengthen relationships and strengthen your ability to help others. The famed Hasid master, Rabbi Nachman of Breslov, tells a parable that may help many embrace an empathetic lifestyle.
A Prince Turkey
In Rabbi Nachman’s parable, a distraught king learns that his beloved son, the prince, after receiving the finest upbringing and education, comes to the conclusion that he is not a human being, but a turkey. So as any turkey would do, the prince takes off his clothing and pecks at his food underneath the royal table. His parents are understandably confused and humiliated.
The king vows to stop at nothing to cure his son. He hires the best doctors and therapists from across the land, but all to no avail. One day, a wise old man comes to the palace and declares he can heal the prince. What is the very first thing the wise man does? He takes off his clothes and joins the prince under the table, clucking and pecking at crumbs.
The prince inquires, “Why are you here?” The wise man shoots back, “Well, why are you here?” “I am a turkey,” declares the prince. “So am I,” responds the wise man. With that, they cluck and peck together.
The next day, the wise man asks the king to bring him a shirt. Why can’t a turkey wear a shirt? The prince ponders the matter and sees no reason why not, and he begins to wear one as well. Gradually, the wise man brings the prince back to typical human behavior. Soon enough, both are sitting and eating at the royal table fully clothed.
A Lesson in Comfort Zones
A story as well-known and memorable as this one has, over time, been used to teach many different lessons about ourselves and how we understand others. I believe that no message is more powerful than the one the story tells us about empathy. When relating to and trying to help others, empathy is perhaps the most important thing we can offer. We cannot begin to provide real, helpful support unless we genuinely try to imagine ourselves in their situation.
As challenging as it is to step out of our comfort zone and truly empathize with others, Rabbi Nachman teaches us that it needs to be the first step. This is not to say that we should take as extreme a first step as the wise man did, but often being empathic means stepping out of our comfort zone.
When offering support to those with mental illness, it may be more comfortable and natural to give unhelpful advice like “Just exercise a little bit and snap out of it!” or “Think about all the things in your life you can be happy about!” Moreover, it may be out of our comfort zone to reach out to someone you don’t know well or even someone close to you who is in need of support and just listen. However, we need to get out of this comfort zone. We need to be like the wise man who uncomfortably removed his shirt and pecked away under a table, even though he never had the experience of feeling like a turkey. By being willing to leave our area of comfort, we are taking the most direct route to experience real empathy.
Empathy in The Torah
Rabbi Nachman was far from the first to suggest this advice for achieving empathy. In the recently recited Parashat Eikev, Moshe tells the Jewish people: “[God] performs the justice of the orphan and the widow, and He loves the convert to give him food and clothing. You shall love the convert, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.” (Devarim 10:18-19)
The difficulty with this commandment is that many of those being spoken to was not, in fact, alive when the Jewish people were in Egypt. So how could Moshe tell them to have empathy for an experience they themselves never underwent?
This, I believe, shows precisely the point Moshe is trying to teach. Yes, these Jewish people were not in Egypt, so they never literally experienced the same feelings of discomfort and not belonging that a convert feels. However, regardless of whether it is easy to feel empathy because one experienced the same circumstances, it is paramount to strive to feel it anyway. If that requires stepping out of one’s comfort zone and listening to their families about their suffering and hardship – learning more about sensations not literally experienced by the listener – that is only a positive.
This, I believe, shows precisely the point Moshe is trying to teach. Yes, these Jewish people were not in Egypt, so they never literally experienced the same feelings of discomfort and not belonging that a convert feels. However, regardless of whether it is easy to feel empathy because one experienced the same circumstances, it is paramount to strive to feel it anyway. If that requires stepping out of one’s comfort zone and listening to their families about their suffering and hardship – learning more about sensations not literally experienced by the listener – that is only a positive.
There’s a reason the commandment to treat the convert kindly is mentioned no less than five times in the Torah, more than the commandment not to eat meat and milk together and certainly more than any other interpersonal commandment. Empathy is not just any Jewish value; it is one of the most foundational values of all. May we endeavor – and succeed – in reaching out and providing support to the people in our lives.
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- Striving for Empathy - August 20, 2017