A neighbor is sick with cancer.

She is a mother of three young kids and is in and out of the hospital. As her neighbor, you partake in efforts to babysit her kids, start a meal train, offer her support in any way, and be there for her family.

A different neighbor is sick with depression.

She is a mother of three young kids and is in and out of the hospital. To be honest, you really do feel bad. But you stay away.

Understanding The Differing Reactions

Why? For some reason, we, as a society, generally do not equate physical and mental illnesses. As a result, we cannot provide people with mental illnesses with the proper support.

When someone has cancer, we do not talk about it under the label “physical health issue” in order to feel comfortable. We call it exactly for what it is- an illness. A disease. Perhaps even a battle. A sometimes curable, sometimes treatable, definitely supportable ILLNESS.

The earlier someone is aware of the illness, the more likely it is that someone can be helped. Illnesses require knowledge and education. They require care and attention. They require compassion and empathy.

And so do mental illnesses.

Just like we promote physical health and raise awareness for physical illnesses, so too we must promote mental health and raise awareness for mental illness.

Words Matter

Our word choice reflects our hopes for our society – let’s label things appropriately and sensitively. Let’s not shy away from reality and undermine the problems we face (to varying extents).

Let’s stop employing euphemisms when dealing with things related to our brains and emotions. I am not scared of the word “mental” put together with “illness”. If we already treated mental illnesses as actual illnesses, we would not need to be breaking the silence- there would be no silence.

But right now we are too scared to talk, too afraid to get close to the thing, and very far from accepting it for what it is- an illness like all others.

Equating Properly Breaks The Stigma

There is room for mental health conversations, and those conversations are very important. They are critical. But when we talk about mental illnesses such as depression, suicidality, bipolar, and others, why aren’t we labeling those conversations as related to mental illnesses? Is that not what they are?

Unless we want to start labeling things like diabetes and cancer as “physical health”, I refuse to label mental illnesses as “mental health”.

Step number ONE to ending the stigma, and by definition subsequently better helping those that need help, is by equating physical illness and mental illness.

Please click here to read Shanee Markovitz’s other pieces

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The ideal: fun, family, food.

Reality (especially when hosting!) for some: lots of organizing and crowded home.

Pesach, like most holidays, can be an extremely exciting time for families to get together, share meals and ideas, and celebrate with one another.

However, holidays can be a painfully long and uncomfortable experience for different people.

Examples of people who find Pesach to be a difficult and tiring experience: those who are missing a loved one that passed away, those who don’t love spending too much time with too many relatives, those who need everything to come out perfect and are aware of every little “disaster” that unfolds, those who hate missing so much work and time in exchange for long religious rituals, etc, etc, etc.

But it is also a difficult time for people who LOVE their families, very much enjoy the religious aspects of the holiday, and go with the flow in all areas- but deal with things like social anxiety and other mental illnesses.

Whatever your reason is, here are some tips on how to create “me time” when your entire extended family is in your living room:

1) Short term? Go to the bathroom.

Bathroom breaks are totally expected and normal, and going to the bathroom is a valid excuse to leave the table at any point. Go there and just take some time to breath, sprinkle some cool water on your face, or take two minutes to just be with yourself. When you are ready, come back a little more energized.

2) Long nights? Go to sleep at a normal hour.

Sure, it can be a little embarrassing when others are staying up and you are not. But if the night is dragging on forever and everyone is just hanging out, don’t be shy to play the “bed time” card for yourself. Needing sleep is perfectly acceptable and natural, and you should get sleep even though others are staying up.

3) Too much going on at once? Silence is golden.

It is not a big deal to drop out of one or two conversations here and there. If you don’t like the topic and have been listening to too much at once, zone out of the subject and feel free to stay out of things temporarily. It is not your responsibility to keep every conversation between the people in the room going, but it is your responsibility not to exhaust your energy by trying to make sure everything is going perfect constantly in terms of subjects chosen for conversations.

4) Small things going wrong? Focus On The Positive.

Oftentimes, it is about your point of view. Do you see your five year old nephews fighting about some jelly beans (kosher for Passover!) OR are you appreciating the fact that different parts of the family are celebrating together in one room? Remember that you love what you’re doing and who you’re with and that small things that go wrong are really not all that important.

5) Getting overwhelmed? Time is temporary.

Constantly remind yourself that in a few hours the meal will end. Do so in a positive way, thinking about how accomplished you will feel having been able to get through a tedious evening. Imagine the end goal when you are no longer facing the anxieties directly but can say that you spent time with your family and succeeded in participating in fascinating discussions and meaningful celebrations.

6) Feeling down? Praise yourself.

Think about how well you are doing CONSTANTLY. Give yourself a pretend high five every time you notice yourself doing ok or even enjoying yourself. Cut yourself slack for mistakes and slip-ups, and understand that it IS a difficult season for many people. Try your best, and appreciate that you did.

Please click here to read Shanee Markovitz’s other pieces

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1. Elyn Saks

In a Ted Talk, Saks shares her inspiring story.

“As a young woman, I was in a psychiatric hospital on three different occasions for lengthy periods. My doctors diagnosed me with chronic schizophrenia, and gave me a prognosis of “grave.” That is, at best, I was expected to live in a board and care, and work at menial jobs. Fortunately, I did not actually enact that grave prognosis. Instead, I’m a chaired Professor of Law, Psychology and Psychiatry at the USC Gould School of Law, I have many close friends and I have a beloved husband, Will, who’s here with us today.”

Subsequently, Saks researches the disorder that she struggles with. In addition, she showcases not only her success and accomplishments, but also how to destigmatize mental illness. 

2. John Green

Despite his battles with OCD and Anxiety, Green is a best-selling author who uses social media as an outlet for fighting the stigma.

“In the end, I feel that romanticizing mental illness is dangerous and destructive just as stigmatizing it is. So I want to say that, yes, I am mentally ill. I’m not embarrassed about it. And I have written my best work not when flirting with the brink, but when treating my chronic health problem with consistency and care. Thanks.”  

Furthermore, on Twitter he also destigmatizes medication:

“Like millions of others, I take medication to help treat my mental illness. Treating chronic medical conditions must not be stigmatized.” 

Lovato is both a wildly successful singer as well as a big mental health activist. In addition to speaking out, she also started Be Vocal, a mental health activism organization. There she shares personal stories and accomplishments regarding her bipolar disorder through that medium.

 “Living well with bipolar disorder is possible, but it takes patience, it takes work and it is an ongoing process. The reality is that you’re not a car that goes into a shop and gets fixed right away. Everyone’s process and treatment plan may be different. “ 

4. Howie Mandel 

Mandel is a professional comedian and game show host who struggles with OCD and ADHD. Although he won’t shake hands with contestants and co-workers, he still manages to climb to the top of the success ladder in his field.

“After I impulsively revealed that I have OCD on a talk show, I was devastated. I often do things without thinking. That’s my ADHD talking. Out in public, after I did the show, people came to me and said, “Me, too.” They were the most comforting words I’ve ever heard. Whatever you’re dealing with in life, know that you’re not alone.”

5. Brooke Shields

Shields, an actress and model, wrote about her experiences with postpartum depression publicly. 

“I was not really aware that I had it [postpartum depression]. It was devastating to my whole family. I had gone through numerous attempts to have a baby and when I did finally have this perfect, beautiful, healthy baby and it all but destroyed me. I couldn’t hold the baby, I couldn’t do anything for the baby, I couldn’t look at the baby. Every time I got near her, even the smell of the diapers of the baby. I would… My knees would get weak. I would… I just cried all day long and I thought I’d made the worst mistake of my life.”

Later on she details how early intervention and treatment helped her and allowed her to continue her life and career successfully. 

6. Michael Phelps

Phelps, a swimmer and an Olympic Gold Medalist, battled ADHD and (later in life) substance abuse. In interviews, he spoke publicly about both. Eventually, with the help of mindfulness and medication and SWIMMING, he became one of the most successful athletes in the world. 

“Your mind is the strongest medicine you can have…You can overcome anything if you think you can and you want to.”
“Obviously there were a lot of things that I needed to fix. It’s pretty crazy how big of a change I see from not having a drink… I see a complete change in how I am day to day. Completely clear-headed. I’m actually happy every day. I’m actually able to be productive every day. I think that’s something that I am very proud of and, you know, I think when I do retire I’ll be able to look back and say that was somethingthat really helped.”

7. Carrie Fisher

Even though Fisher passed away in the process of me writing this article, I included her. Throughout her life she served as both an accomplished actress as well as a big mental health advocate.

On numerous occasions, she spoke openly about living successfully with manic depression and bipolar disorder. “There is treatment and a variety of medications that can alleviate your symptoms if you are manic depressive or depressive. You can lead a normal life, whatever that is… have gotten to the point where I can live a normal life, where my daughter can rely on me for predictable behavior, and that’s very important to me.”

“I am mentally ill [and] can say that. I am not ashamed of that… I’m still surviving it, but bring it on. Better me than you.” 

8. Macklemore

Macklemore is a famous rapper/singer, who raps and speaks about his past problems with addiction. He started Half Of Us to bring awareness and fight the stigma.

“I wanted to get clean. I knew that my highest potential, the place that I was most spiritual, the place that I was the most rich in terms of my life, and my livelihood, and my art and my creativity, was when I was sober.”

Please click here to read Shanee Markovitz’s other pieces

Please click here to read other pieces pertaining to mental health

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I am an Orthodox Jew who goes to therapy.

Maybe if I keep repeating the fact that I Go To Therapy over and over again we might all become a little more open to hearing or speaking about mental illness/health.

Break the Silence on Mental Illness

I Go To Therapy,

And no, it is not just because of the tragedy that my family experienced this past summer.

Three years ago, I had testing anxiety that prevented me from achieving my full potential in academics, and I Went To Therapy.

Already then I had to make a decision: to cover up or to unveil. To become known as “She has testing anxiety” or to keep a straight face and a big smile while everything inside was lopsided in school. I went to therapy for months, and then I left therapy because my psychologist and I decided that I no longer needed it at the time. Eventually, I learned how to overcome my testing anxiety. In the meanwhile, I decided to say to anyone who asked that I Go To Therapy, but only my inner circle knew any details.

Practically Speaking

In the middle of eleventh grade, I gave a speech to a few hundred teenagers on a Shabbaton.

This is what the room saw: Teen leader giving a (hopefully interesting!) speech. Teen Leader smiling and using her notes. Teen leader gracefully closing and walking out of the circle with a smile.

This is what my best friend saw: Shanee giving a speech. Shanee’s hands are shaking, and she’s using her papers to hide that. Shanee is saying her last few words, and she is keeping the smile spread all the way until her and I reach the bathroom and then Shanee cries.

Was I happy I gave the speech? Absolutely. But I fought with my demons to get there. I fought them speech after speech for three years- dozens of speeches and post-speech-bathroom-crying. Until the last speeches I gave as a teen leader when I realized that I finally mastered the challenge and learned to channel my anxiety.  Therapy gave me the tools I needed to be able to do what I loved.

Now About You

Statistically, every person reading this is either personally affected by a mental illness or knows someone who is. You are either struggling or are connected to someone who is. 

So why are we closing our eyes?

Why didn’t I speak out years ago, long before my mother committed suicide? Why was I embarrassed?

In Leviticus 19:14, we are told ” וְלִפְנֵי עִוֵּר לֹא תִתֵּן מִכְשֹׁל” ” You shall not place a stumbling block before a blind person”.

Why are we placing stumbling blocks in front of our loved ones? Why are we preventing them from accessing the proper support, the proper help, the proper compassion and understanding?

Instead, we could be educating and empowering. We could be enhancing our quality of life and we could be saving lives. 

There are people suffering- and they are not distant.

For me, it was my mother. And since then hundreds of people have come forth to me with their own stories, their own struggles, their own experiences- and I am forever grateful for that.

“So, What Can I Do?”

As a community and as individuals- we can do more. We can speak out. We can end this stigma. Just as you may have messaged me privately, you can also broadcast your message to the world and you can influence and change and save lives.

There are people I know who are fighting alone- and it is partly my fault if I do not speak out. 

And this is why I got involved with Refuat Hanefesh and why you need to as well.

Whether you are a mental health professional or a high school student; Whether you want to share your experience or make your point heard. Choose to publicize yourself or stay anonymous, everything goes- as long as you write. 

Write. Do it for the helpless child who goes to bed at night in metaphorical darkness. Do it for the neighbor who fights battles with depression and walks around untreated- just like my mom did- and unable to ask for help from the right sources. Write for your best friend who may not be able to express what goes on inside of them.

Write. We all share this responsibility.  

Write, because we need to end this stigma. 

It’s time to break the silence.

*Blog submissions can be sent to info@refuathanefesh.org

Please click here to read Shanee Markovitz’s other pieces

Please click here to read other peer perspectives

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