If you wanna know the truth about what it’s like to be an attempt survivor, you can ask me. Don’t be scared. I’ll tell you. I don’t know anyone who is proud to be a suicide attempt survivor but I know many who are willing to share their story. I’m one of those.
Unfortunately, I’m pretty knowledgeable about this topic. I can’t even say I know the exact number of times I have tried to take my life; I try to block them out. It’s not who I am and it doesn’t define me.
The one that happened in November 2017 was probably the biggest deal – being that it was my closest call. Although I lost most of my memory of the days following the attempt, on the whole, it’s an experience I will never forget.
It’s not that I can tell you all the feelings I felt leading up to this attempt or that I can tell you the feelings I felt lying in the Intensive Care Unit bed. It all seems like a blur. What I do remember clear as day is the lonely feeling I felt leading up to the attempt, just desperately wanting things to get better. I felt that taking my life was the only way that would happen.
I can tell you now how wrong I was.
Should I Have Survived?
If you wanna know the truth about how it feels to think, “I should not have survived,” I can tell you. I know that feeling a little too well. However, I’d also have to tell you the truth which is that I should have survived and that’s why I did.
It may not have made sense at the time. Why would I have survived? But it all makes sense now: I survived because I was supposed to. I survived for my mother and father who love me and care about me. I survived for my brother and sisters who can always make me laugh. I survived for my nephew who makes me the happiest I’ve ever been. I survived for all my friends and family that are always there to support me.
There is one other person I survived for. The most important one; the most important reason. I survived for me. After all, I’m the one that’s living this life. That’s why I survived – to live my beautiful life.
More of Tamara’s posts to follow
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