The Truth About Why I Survived

If you wanna know the truth about what it’s like to be an attempt survivor, you can ask me. Don’t be scared. I’ll tell you. I don’t know anyone who is proud to be a suicide attempt survivor but I know many who are willing to share their story. I’m one of those.

 

Unfortunately, I’m pretty knowledgeable about this topic. I can’t even say I know the exact number of times I have tried to take my life; I try to block them out. It’s not who I am and it doesn’t define me.

 

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November 2017

The one that happened in November 2017 was probably the biggest deal – being that it was my closest call. Although I lost most of my memory of the days following the attempt, on the whole, it’s an experience I will never forget.

 

It’s not that I can tell you all the feelings I felt leading up to this attempt or that I can tell you the feelings I felt lying in the Intensive Care Unit bed. It all seems like a blur. What I do remember clear as day is the lonely feeling I felt leading up to the attempt, just desperately wanting things to get better. I felt that taking my life was the only way that would happen.

 

I can tell you now how wrong I was.

 

 

Should I Have Survived?

If you wanna know the truth about how it feels to think, “I should not have survived,” I can tell you. I know that feeling a little too well. However, I’d also have to tell you the truth which is that I should have survived and that’s why I did.

 

It may not have made sense at the time. Why would I have survived? But it all makes sense now: I survived because I was supposed to. I survived for my mother and father who love me and care about me. I survived for my brother and sisters who can always make me laugh. I survived for my nephew who makes me the happiest I’ve ever been. I survived for all my friends and family that are always there to support me.

 

There is one other person I survived for. The most important one; the most important reason. I survived for me. After all, I’m the one that’s living this life. That’s why I survived – to live my beautiful life.

 

 

More of Tamara’s posts to follow

 

 

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Tamara Feldman

Tamara is currently a senior at a therapeutic boarding school. She is ready to end the stigma and open to sharing her stories about depression, suicidal ideation, and anxiety. Tamara plans on studying in seminary in Israel next year.

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